How do you find your perfect car? The one that ticks all the boxes, that does all the things. The 10/10 car that means you can have every base covered without compromising on anything is something of a myth… or is it? Surely something out there can keep everyone happy, right?
What is, in theory, the perfect car? It has to be good looking and have the right image so you have something to show off at golf club/gym/office/school run/place you go to show off your car. Naturally it needs space for your many expensive possessions and children (current or theoretical). To ensure your progeny is kept in the same shape it started out in, decent safety tech is a must. Keen drivers will want something quick and fun to drive, yet not so spiky to intimidate the nervous. Of course, it can’t use much, if any, fossil fuel because that’s bad for a planet that’s already suffering somewhat. While you may want lots of things, it can’t be too expensive either – more than £100k is insane money, even for ‘perfection.’ Reliability is a must. On top of all of that, it needs to have the right badge on its nose so people will think you’re doing well for yourself and be suitably jealous.
We can discount a few things from the off. Kia, Hyundai, Ford, Skoda, SEAT, Citroen, FIAT, Toyota, etc don’t carry the cache to annoy your neighbours, which is a shame because they all make some truly ace cars.
From the ‘posh’ end, Aston Martin, Lamborghini, Bentley (for now at least), Rolls-Royce, Ferrari, Maserati, etc are out as well. While they would likely do some of the job, the fact that they’re all powered by massive engines that tend to need lots of compressed dinosaur juice to work. Or, are the wrong side of that high £100k mark.
The people who only make small sports cars fall at the first hurdle – Lotus, Caterham, Morgan, et al can’t fit more than two people on board unless you have lots of duct tape.
Alfa Romeo, Jaguar and Land Rover can go because while the cars are great they can be a little on the unreliable side. MINI does most of the job but even the biggest is a little too small inside. Smart… just no.
In fact, when you boil it all down you end up with BMW, Audi, Lexus, Mercedes-Benz, Volvo, Porsche, Tesla, Polestar, and Volkswagen. We can ignore the V8s because they’re expensive and thirsty, but that leaves us with a decent line up of potentially ‘perfect’ cars.
Two door cars, while cool, aren’t practical enough for this purpose, and anything with a sloping ‘coupé-esque’ roofline can go as well for the same reason.
On the image front, all do the right job. They’ll stand out in a car park, your mum will be proud of you, the person you’re trying to woo will enjoy the perceived luxury, and you’ll be able to fit stuff in them. However, to narrow it down even further we need to discount Lexus as the infotainment in most of the line-up is confusing, and having to explain what a self-charging hybrid system is to people who either genuinely don’t know what one is or think they’re being clever will get old quickly.
The pure electric cars will have to go as well. Polestar makes genuinely brilliant cars, and while Tesla seems to woo the iPhone set with its high price point and terrible build quality, the infrastructure isn’t around to make them useful for 100% of people 100% of the time.
Predictably, this leaves some Germans and Volvo. Now, all of them are doing their bit to stay green. It’s here that a possible leader in the Golf R estate goes, because not only is it appealing to thieves (and therefore a pain to insure) but it doesn’t scream ‘I care for mother earth,’ does it?
In fact, no matter your persuasion of German, they’re off the menu. Their commitment to the environment is strong, sure (though the BMW iX is… yeah), and the looks are sharp (well, apart from some of BMW’s line up), but you still get the German car image that you might spend a little too much time on your own enjoying yourself. Not from all sides, but from people who are usually jealous that you’re doing better at life than them. You know, the unhappy people.
This leaves Volvo, but which one? The SUVs? They’re all ace. The XC40 is too small, XC60 can get quite spendy for its size, as can the XC90. The saloons aren’t practical enough for our requirements. This leaves the estates, namely the V90. It’s big enough to transport everything in the world at once, comfortable enough that your passengers won’t hate you, quick enough to entertain but not scare (depending on spec), being a Volvo it’s safer than safe, it looks INCREDIBLE (especially in black), doesn’t have to cost the earth, and have you ever heard anyone accuse a Volvo driver of being proficient in self love? Of course you haven’t.
In a fair and just world we’d all be driving round in them, merrily nodding at one another for having made the right choice. Except we don’t live in that world, and we’re all capable of free thought. The V90 should fit the bill, but the enthusiasts want more excitement, the EV fans want a wonky Tesla, and some people don’t like the idea of shelling out at least £55,000 for a car and want something cheaper. So actually, the V90’s not perfect at all. Nothing is. But isn’t that a way of saying everything is..?
Keyword: Is There Such A Thing As A Perfect Car?