Christmas is a time of great cheer, much joy, overindulgence in food, booze, and whatever else people enjoy. It’s also, happily, a time where people show how much they care for each other with presents! And, while most people say they ‘only really do Christmas for the kids,’ most adults secretly hope their parent/partner/friend/office secret Santa nails the present destined for them.
Car people, or people who are passionate about their own car and no others, often get pigeonholed. A car person will get a car-themed gift because all they ever do is… car stuff. A lot of you will remember your parents telling granny to get ‘thing X’ because you were really in to ‘show/game/team Y,’ and granny getting something so wide of the mark you, through childish disappointment, were actually rather impressed at how wrong she’d got it. Now imagine that but for grown-ups who like things with four wheels. Thing is, with manufacturers trying to sell ANYTHING with their logo on board to try and encourage the myth that having the right markings on your stuff will make you irresistible to other humans, there’s a minefield of unspeakable guff out there. Allow YesAuto to give you a guide to send to well meaning, but utterly clueless, relatives as a sort of ‘what not to buy’ guide.
1) How do you like your eggs in the morning? I like mine with a mug of discharge.
Aston Martin makes some mighty fine cars. This year’s DBX shows that while it may have been late to the SUV game, Gaydon’s finest is more than capable of making something that feels like an off roader AND an Aston Martin at the same time. It’s truly brilliant car. A nose through Aston’s shop is, usually, a pleasure. It turfs out some rather tasteful tat all told, but then you get to the mugs. This one isn’t a bad looking thing at all – the old Vantage race car was cool as they come – but… that… name. Discharge. Really?
2) Stop in the name of plonk
Ah, booze. It’s a wonderful thing. It makes people funnier, and far more attractive. Bad ideas become good, good ideas become life changing events, and, in excess, it causes food to fly out of your face at great velocity. Porsche wants you to think about what happens if you don’t finish every bottle you start, and has come up with a bottle stopper. But, tat fans, it’s not ANY bottle stopper. It looks like a centre locking wheel nut, y’know, the thing that STOPS the wheels falling off race cars. Geddit?!
3) I’m so dry
Citroen’s online store is, mercifully, devoid of too much hideous tat. You can get model 2CVs, DS’, the lot. Buuuut you can also get this towel celebrating 50 years since the launch of the GS. The towel itself looks fluffy ‘n all, but the model pics are strangely out of focus and a bit thirst trappy.
4) Dolla dolla bills, y’all
The Bentley online store is always worth a visit if you want to see what happens when no one says ‘guys, maybe this is too much?’ at an ideas meeting. Sure, there’s some lovely stuff on there, but there’s also a leather tray and bottle holder combo. Nothing says luxury like a tray clad is cream leather, right? However, if Auntie Doreen is going to find something that reflects your love of Bentley and cold hard cash, perhaps this £175 money clip will do the job? It’s the kind of thing people in too-tight suits would brag about owning before getting their cards declined in a swanky bar…
5) Strap it up
BMW wants you to pay £65 for a bracelet ‘in the technical-looking style of the BMW M5 Turbocharger.’ If you see anyone with one of these you just know all they’ll talk about is how fast their M5 is and how nothing, ever, will get close. You also know there isn’t enough wine in the world to make them bearable.
6) Twice as awful
Putting the company logo on stuff is a Ferrari speciality. The Italian firm used to sell replica keys for its cars, and even a child measuring stick, so you’d expect it to be hawking some awful guff these days. While there’s plenty of shield-laden garments to choose from, none of it is too awful. With some careful sleuthing, the kind a clueless family member would do, it’s possible to find this his ‘n hers watch set. What they lack in subtlety, they more than make up for in tackiness.
7) The Green Hell
Sticking on the watch theme, Mercedes-AMG’s effort for the sproglets is strong. It’s green and has a picture of a car on it, which means it’s worth nearly £90. Yeah… nah.
8) A model car! Great?
No matter how old you are, model cars are great. They look ace on your desk, and they look cool when you’re playing desk Grands Prix during tiresome Zoom calls. That said, few people dream of idly playing with a Vauxhall Mokka-X, do they? ‘Oh wow! It’s… a small family SUV. Thaaaaanks grandad.’
9) Sartorial inelegance
We’re all basic creatures. We like shiny things that make us look good. It’s why people aspire to have the latest phone, the shiniest new car, the right brand of socks, and all that jazz. Of course, the crossover between cars and fashion has been tried before – SEAT and Mango, Fiat and Gucci, etc, all make sense. Cars made by a car company, colourful bits done by style companies. But what happens if a car company tries to pop its logo on an accessory without a fashion house there to hold its hand? This. Audi's own site says they'll give your outfit 'that something extra.' They don't say what that extra thing is though…
10) No, the car won’t make you look younger but this magic goo might!
Lamborghini makes cracking cars. They’re exciting and pointy and make excellent noises. They also, if the internet is to be believed, tend to be driven either by clowns who like drag racing in public, or by gentlemen of a certain age who like wearing the polo shirt and the baseball cap to go with the motor. Those latter fellows may be using their hard earned to feel young again, any why shouldn’t they? Lamborghini’s own brand anti-ageing goo, then, is a masterstroke of marketing. And, rather tellingly, is sold out.
Have a very merry Christmas, and a happy new year. Hopefully one without any further viruses, and none of the unspeakable tat listed above…
Keyword: 2020's Worst Automotive Christmas Gifts