REVIEW: 2021 Alfa Romeo Stelvio Quadrifoglio

Superb. But completely unnecessary.

Since entering production in 2016, the Stelvio — essentially a crossover SUV version of the Giulia sports sedan — has become Alfa Romeo’s best-selling model.

That’s not really surprising. First, because crossover SUVs dominate new car sales, second only in the marketplace to the domineering full-sized pickup truck. But second, because every other vehicle Alfa has made in the past decade has been… let’s say “niche”.

The 4C, for example, appeals to the sort of person who says, “You know, I’d like a Porsche Boxster, but only more expensive, less practical, more difficult to fit into and with an interior made entirely of melted down action figures.”

Then there’s the Giulia which, while beautiful, fast, and flamboyant in the world of sports sedans, does require you to walk right by a BMW 3-series in order to buy one, and that’s been a bit tricky (until this year, obviously).

The standard Stelvio, however, offers all the general practicalities of a crossover SUV, with all the elegant Italian styling you would expect from a vehicle assembled in Cassino, Italy.

review: 2021 alfa romeo stelvio quadrifoglio

Granted, with only about 116.1 cu ft of cargo space, the Stelvio isn’t the most practical SUV on the market. And if I’m honest, the rear legroom is a tad pathetic, also.

However, it will tow up to 3,000 pounds, has all-wheel-drive, a hands-free power liftgate, and around 8 inches of ground clearance, so it’s not hopelessly impractical, either.

Inside, the cabin bathes you in european luxury design. Unlike Alfas of old, the interior actually feels like a designer product of Italy. The design language itself is voluptuous and curvy, without being busy.

It’s even surprisingly clever in places. A smartphone charger, for example, is hidden in front of the centre console storage so as to not interrupt the design language of anything the driver sees in front of them. Moreover, every surface feels like it’s wrapped in full grain — even calfskin leather (it’s not, but it could have fooled me). It isn’t just “soft to the touch”, it’s velveteen.

The infotainment system is surprisingly easy to navigate, using either the 8.8-inch touchscreen itself or a navigation wheel located on the centre console behind the gear selector. Large navigation icons inhabit the home screen of the 8.8-inch display, allowing less time for your eyes to leave the road to select a function.

Optional Harmon Kardon speakers are gloriously loud, with fidelity remaining strong at any volume (no surprises here, as Harmon Kardon speakers, have consistently been the best in any new car I’ve driven).

There is some Alfa quirkiness here, however. The paddle shifters, for example, while works of art in their own right, are far too large and get in the way of your turn signal indicator and windshield wiper stock.

Will you mind when you see how the paddles perfectly line up with the steering wheel so as to become invisible when looking at the wheel straight on? Still yes, a little bit.

Moreover, the indicator is a dual-phase unit that is somehow even more finicky and indecisive than those found in BMWs. And I couldn’t, for the life of me, work out the windshield wiper settings. As far as I could tell, there were about six modes of “basically nothing” punctuated by a single “dance rave” mode on the high end.

Also, the driver assists are painfully annoying. You’ll want to turn your lane departure off immediately as it berates you like an Italian elder at your cousin’s wedding any time you make even a suggestion of going outside your lane.

So, it’s elegant and particular, and brash. Everything you want out of an Italian car.

Starting at $53,690 the Stelvio is an accessible way to experience high-end Italian luxury with everyday practicality. Believe the brochure on that one.

But that’s why you should buy the base Stelvio, and definitely not the fire-breathing Quadrifoglio version.

True, the Quadrifoglio has almost double the horsepower of the standard version — 505 horsepower, compared to the standard Stelvio’s 280 horsepower. But it also costs nearly twice as much. Our as-tested Stelvio “Quad” came in at over $106,000.

It also gets significantly worse gas mileage — the Quadrifoglio averages 12.3 compared to the base model’s 9.6.

Also, the high-performance Brembo brake system equipped on the Quadrifoglio may look cool, but they make an ungodly noise while cold or trying to inch through traffic. Honestly, it sounds like aggressively stroking an overinflated latex balloon and the sensation which travels throughout the entire vehicle feels the same way.

Now, these are all concessions to allow the Quadrifoglio to accelerate as fast (in some tests, faster) than a Dodge Challenger Hellcat and lap the Nürburgring in 7 minutes, 51.7 seconds — faster than a BMW M2 Competition.

That’s all very, very impressive. But in the real world, you can’t really use all that.

In fact, on the street, putting the Quadrifoglio into “Race” mode is a recipe for misery. The suspension becomes mercilessly stiff, the throttle is far too twitchy and the steering feels like it just came out of the bar bathroom after one too many key bumps.

These would all be fantastic features for a dedicated track monster, but for an SUV, a bastion of practicality and accessibility… it’s completely pointless.

Yes, the Quadrifoglio is fast. And the twin-turbocharged V6 is an absolute masterpiece of an engine. Afla has long-since claimed it’s their own design and definitely NOT a Ferrari-derived engine. But it’s so hard to deny that it has that same Ferrari magic when you put your foot into it and hear the crackle and bang of the upshifts.

A car with this engine, a proper sports car, would be magnificent. In fact, I hope and pray this engine makes its way into a short-wheelbase, rear-wheel-drive, two-door, Dodge vehicle. Screw the “HEMI” ‘Cuda. I want the “Quad” ‘Cuda.

It’ll be faster than a Hellcat and Boomers will be so deliciously upset. Just do it, Dodge. You know you want our sweet, sweet newly-found Millennial disposable income.

The problem isn’t necessarily the presence of an incredibly powerful engine, or sticky tires or performance brakes. It’s the fact that they are present in a crossover SUV.

And the problem with a crossover SUV is that it’s basically a car on stilts, so no matter how much racing tech you engineer in to make it defy the laws of physics and smash statistics, the actual driving experience is still very numb.

The same could be said about all of these super sport SUVs. They’re not a replacement for sports cars. No matter how fast they make them. Speed without engagement is pointless. And if you have to make the vehicle so hardcore as to be unusable on the street… Why make it an SUV?

And again, the problem here really is the asking price.

The Quadrifoglio is essentially $50,000 over the sticker price of the base Stelvio. If it were $15,000 more, even $25,000, I might say, “You know what, it’s a laugh, you should do it.”

But the truth is you could buy yourself a standard Stelvio as a daily driver (and again you should), plus a seperate, summer-only toy for the price of one Stelvio Quadrifoglio — and you’d be a lot happier if you did.

$106,000 is a lot of money to compromise comfort and not have fun, when you could have both for less.