Photo: Facebook Marketplace
Happy April Fools, y’all. It’s that hallowed day when everyone just makes stuff up and pretends it’s 100-percent totally real, often committing way too hard to the bit and making sure it’s not fun for anyone. I, of course, would never do that to you. I’ve never committed to a bit in my life. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
On this day of not doing bits, it’s time for our regularly scheduled slideshow: The Least Dope Cars available online. Through Facebook Marketplace and Craigslist, I’ve found a wealth of examples — cars that are either born un-Dope, or cars that through their condition or advertising have un-Dopeness thrust upon them. Let’s take a look.
Photo: Craigslist
The Toyota Camry may not be the singular dopest car in history, but it’s a good one — same, comfortable, reliable. It’s a time-honored steed, always ready and willing to take you wherever your travels point. At least, most Camries are. This one is a little different.
This Camry has seen better days, but the seller claims it still runs and drives. The airbags have popped, but my favorite little detail is that the front bumper is already an unpainted crash repair — this isn’t the first front-end collision of this poor Camry’s life. Certified not dope.
Photo: Craigslist
This Jaguar’s photos appear to be from a salvage auction, but the seller is asking a fixed price for what’s left of the car — a classic sign of someone trying to flip a car for a quick buck. Already, we’re running down the path of un-Dopeness here.
A Jaguar XK8 is a cool car, sure, but this one has had some hard years in its past. It’s described as having “Slight damage” to the rear quarter panel, which makes me wonder what this seller would consider severe damage. An asteroid, maybe?
Photo: Craigslist
I’ll confess: I don’t consider the Lexus RX to be particularly dope. Nothing against Mom Cars as a whole, but the RX (particularly in this early era; the newer ones have grown on me a bit) just has so little road presence — especially in silver. Also, my own mom almost bought one, so. Y’know.
This Lexus is, cosmetically, mostly fine. It’s got a few scuffs and scrapes, nothing too major, but the mechanical side is where it truly begins to fall apart. The seller claims the transmission is bad — the car needs to be towed, and with only 253,000 miles on the clock. For a Toyota product, that’s basically the break-in period.
Photo: Craigslist
If this were a Fiero, this would be a truly dope car. A mid-engined, rear-wheel-drive, manual transmission coupe for just $1,100? One that apparently runs perfectly well, but the seller is unloading because it’s too loud for public roads? That’s the kind of deal most people wait their entire lives for.
But, of course, this isn’t a Fiero. It’s a Fierro. Whatever that is.
Photo: Craigslist
This Impala is described as being “in good condition external and internally,” but a look at those wheels says that might be a stretch. Also the myriad bumps and bruises on the car’s exterior, but let’s be frank: The wheels are a bigger problem.
Of course, the biggest problem is that this Impala doesn’t run. The seller claims it needs a full engine replacement, and that they simply don’t have the funds together to make the car drivable. You could, if you wanted, swap in an SS motor and have yourself the vehicle from the opening scene of Drive (2011). That’s what I’d do.
Photo: Craigslist
As a staunch defender of the minivan, I’m willing to call the Quest — in concept — dope. It holds a lot of people and all their stuff, and does so for not much money. It’s not the flashiest game in town, but it’s a job that needs doing. For that, I respect it.
But this Quest is a bit unusual. For starters, the hood appears to have been caved in, possibly by some supernatural entity. The seller’s concise ad copy (“Nissan quest. 2004 only 99k/Running great/Need minor body work”) doesn’t mention whether these supernatural entities are still connected to the car, and whether they may rear their heads again to wreak vengeance on the car’s next owner. Be careful.
Photo: Craigslist
Time has not been kind to this Infiniti I35. What was once the height of luxury, accordingly named for the road from Minnesota to Mexico, now lies sun-damaged and broken in someone’s suburban driveway. It costs a mere $1,700.
The inciting incident for this car’s downfall seems to have been the failure of its engine — a misfire code, leaving the seller unconvinced of the car’s future reliability. Maybe it’s just a coil pack, or maybe it isn’t. Do you want to spend $1,700 to find out?
Photo: Craigslist
“Steve,” I hear you saying, “You’re Jalopnik’s foremost defender of garbage early-aughts modified cars. You stand tall, sword at your hip, prepared to defend these helpless vehicles from the onslaught of negative comments online. You are a hero, and for that I love you. Also, why is this car in your list of not dope cars?”
Well, dear reader, it’s only here because it’s broken. This scissor door Cavalier — an underrated car done up in an underrated style — was mistreated by its seller, driven with such little oil as to set the engine knocking. That disrespect of such a beautiful car is most heinous, and unmistakably un-Dope.
Photo: Craigslist
This Acura has such an interesting pattern of paint damage, I’m desperate to know its story. The hood has been replaced, which speaks to either sun damage or some sort of impact from above, but the relative cleanliness of the roof and trunk lid rules out hail. The bumpers have the usual array of scrapes and scuffs — there’s nothing off about those.
The driver’s-side front fender, however, does have something off. It’s been repainted, as if in a haphazard crash repair, but only through the center third of the panel. The frontmost and rearmost thirds appear bone-stock. What happened to this car?
Photo: Craigslist
My dad had an early X5 — it was even white, like this one — when I was a kid. The seatbelts didn’t latch right, and the doors wouldn’t fully close if it was cold enough out. With that as the starting point, I cannot imagine this amount of exterior damage has helped this car’s condition.
I wanted to give this X5 style points for the bronze wheels, but only the passenger-side front is bronze — and it appears to simply be coated in brake dust. How one brake does all that, and only to one corner, is a mystery to me.
Photo: Craigslist
Like the Cavalier, this is a dope car that’s been mistreated. While the Cavalier was actively hurt by prior ownership, however, this van was simply mistreated by time itself.
Rust is a lot like erosion, if you think about it. Often caused by water, a form of decay often seen as inexorably tied to the passage of time. Old cars rust, just as old rock formations are carved ever deeper by rivers. They both can be stopped, but are they always worth it?
Photo: Craigslist
You may think this Elantra is on our Least Dope list due to its bumper/fender damage. It is here due to damage, so you’re half-right, but those little scrapes don’t concern me. No, my concerns are with damage far more nefarious.
The rear seat of this Elantra is stained as hell. Brown splotches all across the seat base, sticking out against the tan fabric like neon lights saying, “Something happened here, and you may not want to know what.” I, for one, don’t want to know.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
An interior photo in Dopest is unusual, but I needed you all to see the absolute state of this Jetta TDI. The top shot is its exterior, all gray and filthy, and the interior is somehow exactly the same. What happened to this car?
The seller claims a salvage title; is this all flood debris? Sand and silt, coating the full interior of this Jetta? Or is it really just that dirty inside? I’m almost concerned for the answer.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
The seller specifies this F-350 as a Long Bed model, which I firmly believe to be no longer applicable in this situation. The bed has been fully redone in wood; whatever length the original car had bears no relevance to its current state. Maybe if the wooden bed is also long, then it counts.
Sure, the seller says the original bed comes with the truck, but why would you want that when you could have this custom-made wood one? Imagine, a bedside that you can just screw a vise to while trying to work. That’s a revolutionary feature right there.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
The Chevy Avalanche was unloved in its time and remains unloved now. Of course, if Chevy brought it back without a single change, it would fly off dealer floors — if not for the connotations already carried by its brand. Such is the struggle of a carmaker, being never too late nor too early.
This particular Avalanche has seen better days. It’s rusted, its brakes and power steering have failed, and it seems to be in a general state of disrepair. That, more than anything, grants a car the title of un-Dope.
Keyword: Toyota Camry, BMW X5, Volkswagen Jetta TDI: The Least Dope Cars I Found for Sale Online