Photo: Facebook Marketplace
Sometimes, you come across something on Facebook Marketplace that simply cannot be explained. Modern science has only taught us so much, and some things are just beyond our comprehension — we almost need to develop new language to encompass such wonders.
The key word there, though, is almost. We already have the language to describe the wildest, the most absurd, the least explainable things ever found on Zuck’s webbed sight. In fact, we only need a single word: Dope. Friends, welcome to this week’s Dopest Cars.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
I know, I know, this is two weeks in a row now that I’ve included a listing with no list price. But, c’mon — can you blame me? Look at this absolute cartoon of a vehicle, this childhood sketch made metal. You’d include it in Dopest too, if you could.
This started life as a Volkswagen Bug, and has spent some percentage of its time on this earth as most of a Volkswagen Bug. The seller claims it was his grandfather’s, and that the title is lost — usually a sign of a scam, a stolen car for sale, but who would steal this? It’s far too identifiable.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
This is an entirely normal Grand Prix GT from the year of our lord 2001. Yeah, like the space odyssey. It has a side-3xit exhaust, massive Goodyear Eagle tires, a full roll cage, and two seats — just like every other Grand Prix. I swear, mister DMV employee sir, this is the most bone-stock Pontiac Grand Prix you ever did see.
…Is he gone? Okay, you may have noticed that this is not in fact a Grand Prix. Instead, it’s a genuine NASCAR. The seller claims it was originally a super speedway car, but is now set up for road courses — with, oddly, two seats. They also claim it’s street legal, which seems suspect without lights, wipers, or doors. Worth a shot, though.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
This listing, like so many before it, comes from me watching a FortNine video and deciding that the vehicle being reviewed is one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. Watch this, and tell me you don’t want a Surron.
Etherweight Enduro – Surron Ultra Bee Review
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
This El Camino claims to be clean, rust-free, and a blast to drive. Given the photos, I believe it. But this ad has a crucial omission, something that far too many Marketplace ads fail to mention: What’s the story with the good boy over there on the left?
What’s his name? Can I pet him? If I buy this El Camino, will he hop in the back and come with me? What if I’m really nice about it, and offer him treats, and promise to walk him every day?
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
This PV544 may have some rust, some dust, and some sun damage, but it’s clearly owned by someone who loves these cars. The amount of detail, history, and knowledge about Volvo in the listing here shows a true enthusiast — someone whose love for this car may just go beyond their ability to maintain it.
Or, perhaps, someone whose love for this car extends exactly far enough to copy and paste someone else’s ad copy. Always be on the lookout for these kinds of tricks, folks. You never know where the info you’re reading might have originally come from.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
Oh, your truck’s a whale-home now? That’s cute. My truck is a full-on whale. It’s — no, c’mon. It’s better. I swear. Does your Ferd make kids smile every time you go by? I thought not.
This is not the first whale vehicle to appear on the hallowed pages of the jello picnic website, and I hope it’s not the last. I want people to keep making these trucks for approximately a thousand years. When nothing remains of humanity but crumbling bones and radioactive ash, I want that ash to be blanketing seas of whale trucks.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
The ’80s Buick Regal is famous for its turbo engine. This one is turbocharged, but the engine is a little different. Rather than the venerable intercooled inline six of the Grand National, this Regal has eight cylinders that appear to have come from a Corvette.
Perhaps in homage to the Grand National, though, this Regal does not rock a manual gearbox — it’s a 4L60E, not even a fancy dual-clutch or ZF 8HP. It also has these odd LED panel-looking headlights, which were initially off-putting but honestly grew on me. I like them now. They’re cyberpunk.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
Can a British car be a rat rod? The Brits are no strangers to shoving big V8s into small packages, from the Cobra to the Lola, so the “rod” part of a rat rod seems to be all in order. While I’m not sure whether Britain actually has rats (and I’m not going to text Owen at 1:19 in the morning to ask), I think this Austin Healey shows that the UK can truly earn the first half of the rat rod title.
Mismatched paint, visible working lines, shoddy wiring — this is as rat as it gets. There’s no rust, the car runs and drives, but its gauges are all mixed and matched. A good rat rod has character, and this Healey has it in spades.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
I’ve long held the theory that Chloe Price’s truck from the Life is Strange games is in fact a Chevy C10, rather than the Ford F-150 claimed on the wiki. The bench seat, the side marker lights, the body contours — everything here lines up, once filtered through the games’ hand-painted stylization.
This truck, particularly, sets those Arcadia Bay bells going in my head. It’s beat up but still in use, worn down but never retired. It’s the same shade of… brown? Taupe? Beige? Also, the price has a 69 in it, and that feels like Chloe’s sense of humor.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
I can already hear you warming up your fingers, getting ready to throw your “NOT A CAR” comments below. Hear me out. The world is ending, and within all our lifetimes this planet will be a near-unrecognizable husk, actively hostile to any thought of human life. Storms, droughts, wars over what few resources remain — it’s gonna be an interesting couple decades.
When everything goes to shit, don’t you want to be above it all? Soaring above the Interceptors and Lords Humungus as a Gyro Captain? Think of how little fuel you’d need, and how much maneuverability you’d get in exchange — X, Y, and Z axes all covered.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
The ad for this Z is a lesson in redundancy. It begins within the title, which reads “Awesome 1977 Datsun 280Z.” This is just more words than you need to get the point across — every 280Z is awesome. I know, it’s not the beloved 240Z, but it’s fine. You can swap the bumpers, I promise.
This Z has been sitting for nearly 30 years, and has its fair share of rust, rot, and missing paint. In other words, it’s a Z. But this one comes in at just $4,200 — how often do you see these cars, in any condition, going for prices like that? At some point, we’ll start seeing VIN tags alone pull those numbers.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
This VW bus-looking camper isn’t exactly a Mercedes, but it’s not not one either. It’s made by a company called Hanomag, but these vans were also sold under the Mercedes brand during a brief overlap period. That means they’re old, quirky, rare, diesel-powered campers — what’s more Instagram-worthy than that?
This Hanomag claims to be the only ’68 of its ilk in the United States. Sure, getting parts might be a pain, but you’ll always have the most interesting vehicle at the campsite. Or the parking garage. Or the car meet. Pretty much anywhere, honestly.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
Do you think Dodge is holding on to the Ramcharger name? With the success of the Bronco Sport and Chevy Blazer, it seems like the right time to introduce a smaller, more road-biased version of a storied offroad nameplate. Everyone knows Ram, everyone knows the Charger, I think the branding here would work.
The question, though, becomes how to sell it. The Dodge Ramcharger is the original name, but this dates back to when Ram was a Dodge model — would this have to move to Ram? Would we see a Ram Ramcharger? That sounds dumb, but keeping it a Dodge muddies the branding waters. Truly a conundrum.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
There are two ways to see this camper van. From one side, it’s a dated vehicle that barely lurches to life — it “runs and drives short distances” with its misfiring engine, the rattlecan paint is flaking off, and the interior wood looks like it’s seen more than its share of water. It’s not great.
But, from the other, this is a dwelling that costs less than I spend on two months of rent. For just $3,000, you could own your own home — no need to cut out the avocado toast. Even if this truck never moved again, you’d have a roof over your head for the cost of three iPhones. How do you say no to that?
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
Remember when I said you should go try to register that NASCAR? As long as you’re there, wanna try double or nothing? Walk up to the counter, paperwork in hand and a pleasant smile on your face, and tell the person behind the desk that you’d like to register your GKN Sankey FV432. For bonus points, look a little annoyed when they get confused. Don’t be a dick about it, though.
The FV432 isn’t exactly the most practical vehicle, but it does have one feature that I’ve long held every passenger car needs: A periscope. Imagine if you could see over a traffic jam, check how long it’ll be before the highway clears up, and use that to determine whether you should get off the next exit. How great would that be?
Keyword: Shortened Volkswagen Bug, Whale Isuzu, Gyrocopter: The Dopest Cars I Found For Sale Online