Photo: Facebook Marketplace
Happy Friday, everybody. Hopefully yours is going better than mine, as I’ve spent my entire birthday week locked in my apartment with the lights off — concussed. How I got this concussion is a story for another time (though, if you remember one of my last blogs from last week, you’ll likely be able to guess what happened), but it’s resulted in a lot of time spent in a dark room playing an unplugged bass guitar. Concussion recovery is boooooriiiiiiiing.
So, as I’ve managed to crawl from my dimly-lit cave to pen this slideshow, why not fill it with cars that aren’t boring? Cars that are entertaining, out-there, or just plain weird? This week, it’s all wheat and no chaff — Dopest Cars, bangers only. But not, y’know, bangs on the head. Had enough of those.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
I know, I said bangers only and I’m opening with a Civic. Listen. First off, it’s an EK — inherently a banger. Second, it’s modified, in ways that the seller seems to have no interest in writing down. Third, look at that hood. See the lift at the back? It’s making clearance for something under there.
Looking under the hood shows a Honda motor, but one that admittedly strains my knowledge of the segment. It looks like a D-series, perhaps a D16A6 from an Si? There’s a whale penis intake on it, that much I know.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
Oh hey, another red hatchback. This one, though, is no Civic — it’s faster, has more driven wheels, and is almost certainly infinitely less reliable. These MK7 Golves R seem to be hit or miss: Some run forever with no issues, others have issues forever with no running. With only 23,000 miles, the jury is out as to which one this example is.
If it does run, though, it’ll be an absolute blast. The MK7 Golf R is quicker and nimbler than its understated body would have you think, though you’ll never really get the full sensation of that speed over smooth pavement. It’s just built too damn well.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
Color-coding your inspection sticker to your car is true attention to detail. That’s a sign of a meticulo— hang on, what? Seriously? Well that sucks. My producers are telling me that you do not, in fact, get to pick the color of your inspection sticker. I will be lodging a formal complaint about this.
This bright yellow 996 is such an interesting mix of green and red flags. Aftermarket side marker lights point to an enthusiast owner, often meticulous, but their ill fit and smoked finish means they could be a cheap part added by someone who doesn’t give a shit. The ad claims the IMS bearing was addressed but also says the car has “new hand cook tires.” It has two wings. High risk, high reward?
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
I see you, “Mike,” the seller of this BMW. With your New Jersey plates, and your ownership of a gray Z4 from this era. Oh, you don’t have a Facebook profile picture? Why ever might that be?
Because you, “Mike,” are secretly Jalopnik’s own Andy Kalmowitz, and you’re selling the Z4 to finally buy that L322 Range Rover you’ve been dreaming of. The pieces all line up, so long as you ignore all the pieces that don’t. These are definitely not the ramblings of a concussed mind.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
These little trikes were once banned by the U.S. government, on account of all the child endangerment. Good thing the government did! That way, I grew up on good, Christian, wholesome, four-wheeled ATVs. I definitely never got into any precarious situations with those, and my friends definitely never rolled them onto themselves. Safety!
I still wanna try one of these things. Maybe after this concussion heals up, I can go in for another. That’s how the human body works, right? Injuries have no lasting effects after they heal, and don’t stack with further damage. No one tell me if this is wrong.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
I know, a yellow Volkswagen Beetle on what was once the yellow Volkswagen Beetle website. I’m nothing if not creative. But this Beetle has something unique: A semi-automatic transmission, with manual shifting but an automatic clutch.
We’ve covered the design before, but this is the first time I’ve seen one come up for sale. It’s a neat system, one that’s so weird and niche that it could only have come from a time when automakers were truly experimenting with the whole “delivering engine power to the ground” part of automobiles. Now, we largely have that figured out, which has led to less Weird Shit in the market. This is a bad thing.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
Dual sports are fun. Did you know that? Maybe it’s the mountain biker in me, but I love this design for a motorcycle. Wide bars, narrow body, tall suspension — it’s like a mountain bike you don’t have to pedal. What could be better than that?
I mean, sure, maybe a bit of vibration dampening would be nice for road riding. Maybe even a second cylinder, for balance, if you wanna get fancy with it. Or a windscreen, and some luggage capacity. This is just an adventure bike, isn’t it. What I’ve designed here is the bike I already own.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
You all know how I feel about purple. Adding gold stripes to that is basically cheating. Then you go and put that combo on a late-70s rustbucket with a squared-off front end and sealed beams? You are speaking my language here.
I’ve actually been thinking a lot about purple and gold this past week, because “shiny colors” are about as complex as my thoughts can get before I start getting headachey. I have a cheap, crappy gold guitar that I adore, which has been my stalwart companion through brain recovery because I’m afraid of damaging the nice one if I have to cast it aside to puke. Should I accessorize that guitar with purple? Paint the headstock maybe?
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
This is less a van, more a vague collection of van parts assembled into a rough van shape. But what a collection! A late-70s rustbucket, a squared-off front end, sealed beam— wait. Hang on. I’m realizing I might in fact have a type.
I know, I know, “malaise era.” “200 horsepower V8s.” “Bad handling.” But have you considered that things that are bad are actually good? That the more absolute dogshit a thing is, the better it is? Sometimes, things that are expensive are worse.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
I’ll be honest, I’ve never seen one of these before. No idea they existed until I pulled up Facebook Marketplace and began feverishly scrolling for cool stuff. The EZ90 was apparently built to be the most approachable, simplest motorcycle you could buy — the same approach that worked so well for Honda with the original Cub. But this bike has one thing the Cub doesn’t.
Fashion. Are you going to look at me, with your own two human eyes in your head, and tell me that this isn’t the coolest thing you’ve ever seen? The colors, the pointed beak, the tiny wheels. Why did these not entirely replace cars globally as the default means of transport. They should.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
Speaking of fashion, it comes in ‘60s mint-and-chrome flavor as well. Before you ask, both words are pronounced as if there’s an “E” in them: Flexible Flexiliner. I don’t really know what’s so flexible about a non-bendy bus, but maybe the name comes from the sheer volume of space inside.
The seller claims the inside of this Flxiliner is “basically empty and ready to be converted into a motor home,” but photos of the interior show it filled with normal Bus Things — seats, luggage, a mini-fridge, a couch. I’m just saying, if you need a tour bus, you probably won’t do any better than this. This rules.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
I love how Volkswagen People always describe vehicles by the number of valves they have. This is a 16-valve Scirocco, which seems like an entirely normal number of valves and nothing to brag about. Wake me up when they put, like, 53 valves in. I want a number that is in no way divisible by the cylinder count.
Anyway, this Scirocco, with its boring divisible-by-four valve count, appears to be in beautiful shape. The seller claims it’s rust-free, and the car looks like it’s been cared for enough that I actually believe it. The stance, the vinyl, the yellow lights. It even has a tucked engine harness! Sure, the livery looks extremely TRD, but you can’t blame the car for that. Toyota simply perfected the automotive stripe.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
Want a vintage vehicle? Need something rust-free, but too busy to cut floor pans and re-weld frame rails? Try an old Jeep that had its rust repaired an unknown number of owners ago. Buy it and drive it under the assumption that everything was done properly and professionally sealed. You will certainly not regret buying an old Jeep that had its rust repaired an unknown number of owners ago.
In all likelihood, whatever work was done to this Wagoneer is probably fine. Just, pick it up soon — the seller promised to keep it for the winter if the truck doesn’t sell by then, for its snow-handling capabilities. That volume of road salt isn’t good for anything, professionally restored or not.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
Every Autozam AZ1 is good, but this one is a little bit better than most. All of them have the big round headlights and the gullwing doors, but most lack a roll cage, an aftermarket ECU, a modified intercooler, oil cooler, radiator, and blow off valve. This Autozam isn’t just friend-shaped, it’s a friend you can take to the track.
Where are you going to get parts, you ask, after you run wide and hit the tires? Listen. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. The struggle of finding parts is worth it for the joys of Autozam ownership. Imagine how everyone you pass on the road will light up when they see this little guy, blow off valve venting to atmosphere as you roll by. You’d basically be Santa.
Photo: Facebook Marketplace
This truck looks enormous. It should, it was originally sold as a chassis cab for pulling trailers. It has multiple steps to reach the doors — it’s gotta be, what, sixty feet tall? Seventy? Cars nowadays just don’t have the sheer manliness of those old work trucks.
Yet, the absolute maximum curb weight for a fully-fueled C600 in 1956 was 5,365 pounds. That’s for the longest wheelbase, the biggest C600 Ford would sell you, yet it weighs just over half what the Hummer EV does — with nearly ten times the payload. And remember, these were for industrial buyers and trucking companies back then, not the commuters that buy the Hummer.
Keyword: Honda ATC, Dodge Monaco, Flxible Flxiliner: The Dopest Cars I Found For Sale Online